In six days April 6th will have whole new meaning. Looking at my calendar with the empty lines I have mixed feelings about holding a space this coming Saturday. My practice is still evolving and what a charge to hold a space for Black Divinity…it is intimidating, to say the least. I’ve never backed from a challenge but this doesn’t feel like work it feels like an opportunity to truly share how meditation has helped me access moments of love when I hate the world, my situation and myself.
I began teaching yoga and meditation to serve through sharing my practice. I remember telling my homegirls to slap me if I started to act all high and spiritually mighty. I was nervous that my spiritual practice would strip me of my identity and turn me into some strange version of myself; you know overusing “manifest” and saying words like “overstand”.
For some time I didn’t sit and meditate because I did end up changing and things did get weird for me. In my practice, I had suddenly become aware of the movie of life and I couldn’t connect to people anymore. I mean I would be there but I wouldn’t be consumed in the dramas of the conversation, which made me a less than lively conversationalist.
I had emotions but no need to dump them on my best friends. I had concerns and anxieties but instead of a rant there was a deep breath and an awareness of my thoughts and letting them go. I had let go of the habits of communicating my issues, projecting them and reliving them and now I didn’t know who to talk to, why I was talking to them and what I wanted to talk about.
Then it started happening. The questions began to be directed towards me. Out of the blue, someone would refer a person to me at a party or get together, the conversation would turn to love, or forgiveness or the mind. Nothing I shared was my own or came from me but lessons and understandings that have evolved from my practice. Sometimes I just wanted to take shots and chill, but a heavy heart would always find me like a moth to a flame.
Emotional maturity became lonely. That practice of sitting with feeling different gave me an opportunity to see that I was creating my own dark space and separating myself. I was hiding behind my meditation practice and avoiding engaging because I was maintaining my peace. There is no need to steal self away from the troubles of the world to maintain peace. That is the purpose of the practice…to live it.
Imagine my surprise when I realized that every moment of discomfort was meant special just for me. I’m here in a female body, in a brown female body on purpose. This body houses my consciousness, my awareness but it isn’t who I am; yet I am meant to live, see and love through this very special body.
If you are finding yourself to practice meditation this Saturday I invite you to consider these 3 things for your time.
- Arrive with an open heart. Expect nothing from the practice and commit to being present and experiencing what the practice has for you that day.
- Be comfortable. Don’t do something because an instructor said, but choose to accept the invitations because it serves you and doesn’t cause harm. You don’t HAVE to close your eyes, you don’t HAVE to sit cross-legged sit in a chair, do what feels good in your body.
- After your practice, you may have all sorts of feelings. Treat yourself to a loving day of divine acts. Giving to yourself Saturday can come in many different ways. Treat yourself special because this practice is all about you.
I myself will be hosting a meditation chat on Friday, April 5th a little pre-game for the practice the following day. I hope you’ll check back in the rest of this week for the posts leading up to this very special day.