Happy Mother’s Day! The flood of text messages begins right around 7:30AM. Being on so many peoples minds is nice. Adult human interaction and connection is nice. It never fails, that during the moments of enjoying the attention there is the reality.
I am still solely responsible for gathering and getting the kids together. There is a staleness in my heart every Mother’s Day weekend. My first Mother’s Day he came home from work and asked me “you expected a gift huh?”.
I was hurt. It was the beginning of the devaluation of me being a mom and the seeding of my resentment for it as well. Watching my kids get treated better than me in my own home was horrible. I struggled to adore them because I was jealous. How could he treat me so poorly and bathe them in love like 1/2 of them didn’t come from me, like their personalities weren’t blooming because I was nurturing them.
The next time I received a gift it was while I was in bed. It was Mother’s Day morning and he walked into the room with a Walmart plastic bag. He shoved it towards me saying “I know you won’t use it so just give it back so I can return it and get my money”. It was a foot sauna. I was happy and sad at the same time.
There has never been breakfast in bed. There has never been a day for me about me. There has never been a celebration of my ability to mother or a showering of appreciation for keeping this all together. All it has been is every Mother’s Day an attempt to quiet my own anger.
Today I wake up surrounded by teenagers and this weekend similar to all others sucked. It was filled with me barking orders because asking nicely hasn’t worked. My kitchen is disgusting, my home smells like dog and we don’t have a dog. Everything is sticky and there is spit all over my bathroom mirror and hair conditioner and gel drops on all other mirrors. There is garbage on the floor and my couch may as well have a leash to be walked. There is arguing and attitude and this is my Mother’s Day.
So let me be honest. I despise this day and it takes a lot of work to not be an entire jerk about it. I know some are grieving the loss of their moms. Some are celebrating mother figures and even fathers. Others are in states of gratitude for their adopted children or solemnly celebrating because they have lost their child, lost their partner whom they raised their child with or is bedside their sick child or praying on their knees for their wayward child.
Trust me I know there is a spectrum of blues on today. My blues are carryovers from the last 15 years. I am writing this to let you know if you are a single mom and the roses aren’t laid at your feet and you still have to figure out what to feed your kids for today I see you, I am you. For the mothers who woke up to no fairytale morning it is ok. Just me writing this has helped me out tremendously. I get to be angry but I don’t want to act angrily.
I wish to tag my gratitude in and give myself an opportunity to feel celebrated. I can receive all the well wishes and turn them away from my hearts door being stubborn or I can allow the attention and the love to surround me and serve me.
My mornings flutter by in fury most days and today I want to gift myself with being fitless. Here are three mantras to bring you out of your head and into the moment if today is giving you the blues brought to you by 12 Mantras for Moms Who Want to Love More
Today I allow myself to move at a child’s pace.
Move through moments with curiosity, endless giggles and a self awareness that lets the smile shine through your eyes. Kids move fast and slow, they are masters at balancing on their own terms. Today do the same.
Only love today
I love this one and even when you breathe it in and out it takes the edge off the reality of hurt or pain, or unfairness. Love doesn’t look like a fancy gift, love doesn’t look like a peaceful morning practice. When you accept that all is love no matter what it brings it is so easy to rest up from the stenches of teen trenches and let your sense of joy arrive. Your children are growing and learning and there is love in all they do even in their stinkiest state. All they have and all you are for today is only love.
I HAVE enough, I DO enough, I AM enough
Mother’s Day can remind you of all you don’t have, didn’t get to do or can’t make happen in life. I had all these dreams of putting my kids in dance lessons, playing instruments, spending time watching them grow up and then my reality arrived. I was to work, and find different ways of spending time with them. I was to find programs that allowed us to engage for free and I am not always there or around. This mantra is challenging but it is truth. Even the kids can make you feel like you’re not excelling but in your heart of hearts your mother heart never steers you wrong. Stand firm in your YOU. Be proud of what you’ve produced, procured and provided.
As I am sitting here I find myself going in and out of feelings. These mantras aren’t magic wands and they aren’t wishful thinking they are self gifts that take a little time to unwrap. Use them on today but especially every day needed.
Love to all the moms, mother figures and allies of moms today!