I’ve struggled with my practice having curves. My weight has gone up and down but mostly up these days. I’m not feeling sexy, I’m not feeling my best and I’m hyper aware of my body. I’m so aware of my body I’ve created a truly unhealthy relationship with it. Despite the body positivity of leaders like Jessamyn Stanley who I absolutely adore, her posts aren’t my practice they are hers.
Subsidizing my own sacred body practices with binge loving others’ has been my norm. The more people I follow being bold it makes me feel like they are me and I affirm their body positivity but I’m not living it. I get this fix when I hit the little heart and immediately I’m back to comparing my curves, criticizing my consciousness and challenging my self compassion.
Weight is heavy in more ways than one. Some real things happened to my body that I’m not ready to disclose. After an injury my body shifted to cushioning itself it seems and even my relationship with my physical practice of yoga changed.
I had gotten so frustrated with not being able to do hand stands. I had gotten so fickle about my flying pigeon. I had gotten so upset at the baggage I was carrying and I’m referring to my breast. My yoga practice became a reminder of all that was in my way. My big ass body, or “soft tissue issues” is a kinder way to say it is always getting in the way of my practice.
These days I use my practice less to compete and more to control my attention and swallow truth instead of gobbling up others’. My hyper awareness and this standard that as a yogi I will never change is absurd. I had attached myself to who I was planning on becoming and when my body turned in a new different direction so did my confidence, my sense of pride and my comfort within my own skin.
It seems I’m back to square 1. But I’m on square 1 of a new level. I’m in a new body once again. I can’t believe it actually, I get to practice in a whole new body, and have whole new thoughts, whole new revelations, entirely new mantras, brand spanking new interpretations of the yoga sutras and an entirely new perspective on how the practice can be purposeful and supportive for this version of myself.
Consciousness is less about a shape and more about shaping your practice to meet the needs of who you are today. As we grow and change so does how we become aware of how to apply our practice. The work is less about the curves, how can you curve your ego and capture compassion, heart busting wide open even when the seems in your favorite capri’s do too.
Loving every inch of yourself is easy when you fit the definition of what is worthy of your love. So redefine what all you love about your new shape because as they say “where attention goes energy flows”.