Ok….so no yoga didn’t really eff me up but low key it kinda sorta did. I was happy as hell in my collective misery of Blackness, and “who you calling a bitchness”. I was free to be as petty as possible. Petty Crocker on Mondays, Petty LaBelle on Tuesdays, Petty Betty on Wednesdays. My petty had personalities in these streets.
I mean my days were spent joyfully drama filled with shit I was dealing with from my “Wasband” to the nightmare of a checking account always in the negative. Life in the red was consistently aggravating and equally cumbersome. I could connect with just about anyone when it came to my pain.
Love issues and wack ass dudes…I could talk for hours.
Weak ass lying ass friends and family…I could hold a grudge like a fat baby holds a biscuit.
I took shots of worry and my chasers were fear and anxiety.
I was happy in my aloneness with other people. It felt good to pick up the phone;
“Biiiiiiiiiiiiittttch…..this clown…this goof ass…this lame…this heifer…this, them, they, all of em insert the trifling rant here”
Then it all stopped. My practice arrived and came to life. I had to settle into myself and it wasn’t pretty, or easy and honestly it left me quite lonely. I was afraid of this very thing. Afraid I wouldn’t be able to connect or relate because all the gunk and mess and stress that made up my personality slowly started to retreat, leaving a bare version of myself I didn’t even know.
It took me to a place of embarrassment. The more I practiced the more pain I could withstand without tagging someone in. The more I meditated the less I needed to use my friends as trash compactors and garbage disposals. The more I practiced the easier it became to see that I had been participating in a culture of absence but full of emotions without my permission. I was on a ride, dizzied with fits of feelings.
Even my feel good felt bad. Now here I am trying to touch bases with what it is that actually “feel good” means. When I say “yoga fucked me up” I don’t mean it ruined me, but it did shred my perceptions up into tiny little pieces lol. Reality is much wilder than I expected.
I didn’t expect to fall in love again and again and again without provocation. I didn’t expect to feel forgiveness for the most egregious act I could ever imagine by someone I trusted. I didn’t expect to have the courage to live as my full queer self. I didn’t have the will to live on my terms.
I didn’t expect to have peace when everyone else is rabid with fear. I didn’t expect to see the stress killing those I love while I coasted through the storms of bullshit, hurt, violation and more. It is humbling to see myself empowered and hurtful at the same time; I’ve lost so many toxic loves that all I have left is just love. I’m not mad at it but I realize how much space that shit took up inside of my thoughts, my actions, my dreams, my goals. It left vacancies, imagine how Gary, IN looks with all the homes left abandoned…yeah I had so much space to reconfigure and reimagine.
I love my practice but it has absolutely rocked my world in more ways than one. I understand no one owes me. I understand joy doesn’t come from out there but inside. I understand I’m a soul having a human experience. I understand as Rupaul said it best “we are all born naked and the rest is just drag”.
When you truly wake up you realize your all of who you are is nothing but a different version of the same. Then you begin to see yourself in all that is, was and will be. You see your angry self, your selfish self, your scared self, your dishonest self all the versions of your lower self surround you and you can either become more of what you didn’t choose to be…or surrender and accept the gift of a mindful life to be who the Creator is inviting you to become.
We are so much more than a job or a policy, we are much more than our geographies and our incomes. Those things busy the human body and mind with things that distract us from being our whole selves. If you’re on this path and you’re finding your life flipped upside down and the peace and calm is beginning to draw curious attention or critical comments and some moments of aloneness that feel really lonely get up and get out and do something.
I’ve learned even the practice can become a crutch for emptiness and drama. When it is in us it will find a way to seep out. Instead of feeling like I’m going in a huge circle now I feel like I’m just moving from highs to lows in life, looking for places to use my practice and learn new practices and enjoying the landscape of life with a bit more sweetness because I have something so precious…I have a knowing that I am here on purpose, in this very vessel on purpose and I am living with purpose every breath.